Thursday, November 24, 2005

Ok.

Time to stop being such a whiney bitch. Life isn't that bad. I ticked Kristy off, and we managed to straighten things out, and i haven't talked to sabrina since i left her that message, but whatever, maybe i'll see her at work tonight. To be perfectly honest, life hasn't been All that crushingly bad over the last little while. I still can't quite sleep through the whole night, but I'm starting to get used to that, so i'm getting a bit of sleep. Not a lot, so i almost always almost fall asleep on the train, which is sorta irritating heh. Only missed my stop once because of that though, and that was when i was able to completely fall asleep. Damn ctrain driver stopped making grinding abrupt horrible stops allowing me to sleep through the two stops that i had to get off at, and then managed to wake me one stop later heh.. bastards...

But anyway, I don't really have that much to complain about at the moment... i got passport photos yesterday, and forgot to bring them today... hmm... oh well, but i feel like i got some decent practice done yesterday, and then we played a halfdecent concert this morning, and i'm talking to people at school again, more or less, so things aren't that terrible. I guess now i just need to wait to get to work tonight and have something horrible happen lawl... And speaking of which, and while i'm just channeling my thoughts down, that reminds me that i forgot to find out about the class thing for amanda, or call her back :( my bad oh well. I'm sure she was able to find it well enough.

Ok so blah de blah... noone cares, i don't care, time to do some theory homework, and then do some more writing in my private thinger. Makes me wonder what the point of this blog is, if i have other writings that i don't bother posting, but essentially i guess this isn't exactly a private pursuit, its sorta something that is geared toward getting some feedback, especially with the comments. the other stuff that i write, i guess i wouldn't want to have people comment on, so its a little different target audience so to speak... ah the vanity of blogs...

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Someday...

I'll write about these last few weeks and i'm sure several weeks to come as the most pathetic, boring, depressing day to day existences i had encountered up until this point.
I've reached the point of avoiding people at school, and just becoming a complete loner.. I still like the people from work, but there are only a couple of people at school who i can even stand to talk to.. i want to punch maury in the face every time she looks over at me when i hit the slightest wrong note... and its without fail... anything i do thats not 100% she looks over at me like she thinks its funny, and i just want to slug her. And i just don't feel up to playing the part of dealing with the daily drivel with everyone else... so i just hang out in my practice room when i'm not at a rehearsal, and then i go home.

Whatever, its typical depression, but knowing doesn't do shit to help. Just makes it worse, if anything, because then one small part of my tries to think up ways out of it, and then gets crushed to silence by the weight of the actual depression... *yay everybody dance*...

Not that liking the people at work helps at all either, i feel like a total tool around most of them... for some reason i seem to idolize some aspects about the way Cam is/acts, but then again, i wouldn't want to be him... fuck it... back to work on my time machine >.<

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Sooo....

Could be foolish, it sorta seems lame... So i called Sabrina today and left her a message telling her that i liked her. Yea i left her a message - how stupid is that? Hah would i have had the balls to say anything to her if she had answered the phone.. pff... >.<

Anyway, i told her. Thats what counts. Maybe i can just move on now, and see what happens...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I seem to be my own worst enemy.

All of any of my problems over the last while have been entirely pretty well my own fault. I'm stressed out and depressed about how little practice i do, and how i sleep through classes by staying up too late the night before, either from work, or playing WoW. So that for one thing, is entirely my own fault for being a lazy ass. I try to get practice and work done at school, but I still feel no matter what that its not enough this year. I fucked up my registration stuff, so now i'm withdrawing from FINA, still paying for it, and doing an Independant Study in Symphonic band next semester so that i can get credit for it this year and not ruin my performance degree. I'm only taking two other classes besides ensembles and no options, so i'm probably going to end up spending an extra semester just doing bloody options so that i can get my degree...

Everyone else is going to all these classes, and i'm just slacking off... I should be practicing every minute that they aren't in class... all this free time during the school day this year should be catapulting me ahead of the class with all the time that i have free to practice, but its not... I don't end up doing that much practice... granted, i'm probably doing more than last year though. Still not all that impressive for someone going to university to study the performance of the sax.. >.<

Thats all reasonably petty though... all of my problems are petty and stupid, but they all just wind up compounding and making me more and more depressed. I'll be glad to have xmas holidays and not have to worry about school stuff for a while.

Then theres my one other problem, of course, Sabrina. The more i think about it, the more it makes sense for me to just drop it and move on, and i would love to, but i still wind up feeling like a knob around her. I mean, we don't talk that much right now, i would easily venture to say that we are friends, but not really good friends. We talk at work, or hang out at the bar on the weekends with the other people from work, but its not like theres anything that draws us together. Just my little crush on her, which won't go away >.< I mean, with all that in mind, what is going to happen if i was to talk to her and 'confess all'? Is that suddenly going to make her realize that we're meant to be together and that she's liked me all along, and somehow it just never occurred to her because we didn't talk that much...?

Good lord, it astounds me how much time i spend bitching and whining about this, when it really is such a small damn thing. I have a crush on her, she doesn't like me all that much, i mean, i'm not someone she'll seek out to talk to unless i can answer something for her like iPod stuff or whatever, so basically nothing is going to happen. And thats been pretty well set out for a long time. But somehow i can still churn out paragraph after angsty paragraph of prose about how much i hate the fact that i have a crush on her... Rarr...

Deep breath. Its a phase, it'll pass. And the voice that keeps telling me that its not a phase and that i have to do something about it will just shut the hell up and i can move on with my life and continue never meeting anyone new and just spend my time playing WoW, practicing and doing school stuff without having to even think about this shit. Isn't that something to look forward to... So if that happens, do i then transfer this crush to someone else from work, or will it then move to someone i see occasionally at school and know well enough to say hi to and chat with so that i can spend another few months going through this same old same old shit?

Yea i can't wait to get to xmas holidays so that i can just hole up in my house for a few weeks and not have to deal with it. Ho Ho Ho.