Saturday, March 25, 2006

37 days.

Goddammit this feels like forever...

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Think about this for a second.

Would you like yourself if you met yourself somehow?

I know everyone has a snappy off the cuff answer, but really think about it for a minute.

I'd like to say no, immediately, but when i think about it more in depth, i think that me and myself would get along, i guess. Such a paradoxical sort of question anyway, and really who cares. I gues everyone would give the same answer; immediately no, but at some point, on some if not most levels, everyone has to be pretty comfortable with themselves. But I don't think the question is about living inside your own head. Lets just discount that. If you were to meet yourself in the flesh, would you like that person?


Countdown until move : 40 days.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Fuck you round 2.

Michael tried to talk me out of it. We had a good talk, but i still think everyone should go fuck themselves.

Cam... you need to go fuck yourself because you just act like yourself and have so little drama. Whatever sob sob, whine whine, you lie about your past. Noone cares. I hear Raynna just passed out. That sucks.

Raynna, fuck you for judging me. Whether i'm a nice guy or not, and whether i think it would be funny to yell at a girl in a DIVE bar or not, you have no right to do that shit. Just because i play music doesn't mean i have to have any sort of respect for someone else hacking out some irish jig tune surrounded by drunk assholes yelling at her to bare her chest. We already talked. I can feel you judging me about this post already. I don't care. We can still be buddies without me having to cater to what you think about me.

Amanda, i appreciate you offering your credit card, i truly do. That said, fuck you, it felt condescending. I appreciate bitching and whining with you, but we talked via text message. Its not even related, really but i feel pathetic for having to come back to the bar. I was drunk, i couldn't find a machine to get cash to go home, but i still feel pathetic for not being self reliant, and feeling condescended to only made that feel worse.

Sabrina, i tried to be an ass to you to find a way to deal with shit. it didn't work, and fuck you for all that we talked about. It doesn't make me feel better to know that you care. It makes me feel worse. And i'm pathetic, and you would not believe how i beat myself up about shit, but telling me that you care doesn't help. You should probably call me a loser more , and tell me to fuck off. eventually my subconscious will get the message.

Kristy, i'm disappointed that you weren't out with us tonight. You missed some prime drama. This is a fuck you post, so you don't escape. Fuck you for being mad at me last weekend at the bear and kilt for talking with sabrina at the end of the night. you know how stupid and pathetic I am, and stop being so goddamn hard on yourself. You're engaged; You're getting married. You have someone who loves you in another country, not to mention all of us.

Michael, you got yours. And all the shit i spewed on the phone.. too bad those lines aren't recorded... or something.

Chris, doesnt read this, but fuck you and cam and Mike for your electronica elitism. Yea i know i can't think of anything better for you at the moment. One day I'll rant about this shit from a snobby musical perspective, i don't have the energy tonight.

Kandace, fuck you for getting off scot free. I have nothing i can really throw at you.

Jim, fuck you for working in Data. Fucking asshole customers with their asshole questions about asshole power surges.

Karla, fuck you mostly for things that i've been guilty of for months. Yea macs are cool, but not that cool, fuck you for practically being more well adjusted to whatever than i am, whatever you might say. I find it hard to make a real solid fuck you comment, because i feel like such a hypocrite in a lot of things i might say.

John fuck you, but not really. More like fuck me, i might be a selfish asshole about the apartment, and i'm sorry if I've been pushy. If the parking doesn't work out, i'll pay for any increase in your insurance or whatever. I guess fuck you for your long ass work hours. Thats right.

This post is so toned down.. fuck you Michael... this could have been so much more epic... I think i still got some of the feeling into it.

Fuck you post.

This is going to hit everyone deeply on some level. Or not, because who the fuck cares.

Not starting this in any particular order.

.........................

Fuck you Michael for preventing me from going the fuck off on all of you. Your shit is coming.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

This is me typing with my head.

gvfbfgthyjm ijku;8'p'ityb h6 f4e5 y uimjn8 um8 njhtnb yw3 ew 3e2dru nmjiop-0;'

Thanks for tuning in. More earth shattering revelations to come.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Gashlycrumb Tinies

A way better way to learn your alphabet...

you know... for those of you out there who...err... don't know it yet...

Anyway, check it out. I just picked up the poster for this off the free table at school today. And who says going to school is a waste of time?

Monday, March 13, 2006

( o )( o ) <-- look boobies!

Does it make sense for me to want to start working full time again so that i have some fucking time off? I'm not cut out to be a golden boy student, who gets every assignment done the day after its given out, even though you have a week to do it. I just don't fly that way. Which isn't to say that its a good thing to procrastinate, I mean, I consider a certain amount perfectly healthy, but somehow this year, through a collaboration of circumstances, I've put myself in a position where I just sort of panic when i think about all the work I need to be doing all the time.

And I don't expect or even want anyone to feel the least bit of sympathy for me, I certainly don't, I think i'm just writing to get this out, to get some goddamn frustration off my chest. Had a test today that I did the majority of my studying for in about an hour and a half before I actually wrote it, and this wasn't like something I could write answers on my hand, it was a listening test. The prof plays a 30 second clip of a piece from a list that we were given weeks previously (heres where i originally go wrong) and we have to identify the piece, the composer and the date it was written. I had been swamped with orchestration and catching up on months worth of missed classes in musicianship in the week or two previous to the listening test, and hadn't once looked at the list, and not once listened to a piece from the list that he hadn't played for us in class. This is a bit of a problem, as I'm sure you can see.

Now its not like I had ear damage, and couldn't have listened to the music to get a good mark on the test, I mean, we had weeks before this test, and the date for it was even pushed back. I think I have brain damage for spending 2 hours on the train Every Single Day for weeks and never once taking the time to organize my iPod, which I listened to not only on the train for 2 hours, but to and from stations, while waiting, you name it. Do I have some sort of schizoid voice in my head or subliminal programming that wants me to completely fail at everything I touch this year?

So I wrote the test, I think i passed it, and I think i might pass the lecture test for the same class on wednesday, but theres another test that I'll be preparing for tomorrow, as well as the one on wednesday, then a fairly major paper I have to write for that class, and then we have a jazz band concert next sunday, a symphonic band concert April 4, and then the brutal one for me, performance Juries somewhere in April, and that will of course be in conjunction with final exams in my other classes as well. And somewhere in there, I'll have another mad orchestration project, and probably another huge assignment that i won't be able to get done, and then a final project of some enormous scale, plus everything else, all flying directly at my head in the next like 5 to 6 weeks.

So I've known about this for a long time. Why have I not been better prepared...? Why didn't I get more studying done for the listening test, I mean, I had ages...? Why does it take me fucking forever to do orchestration assignments? Why can I not just relax a little and take this one panic-inducer at a time? Whenever I try to calm down, take a step back and think about what I need to get done and prioritize it, my brain just freaks out, and my breath starts getting shorter, and my palms start sweating because its like a voice in my head starts screaming the entire previous paragraph of all the things I have upcoming at me at light speed, and all I do then is berate myself for not getting things better in line for when this moment arrived. So goddamn self-destructive.

So why did I go out on saturday then? Why not stay home and get some work done? It probably would have been a good idea. But then again, if I did that, and didn't get out of the house to be with some people who have nothing to do with school; who i don't feel as guilty around for fucking up so badly, I'm sure i would have more days just like today where I walk in the doors at school when I arrive there, and an icy hand grabs my chest and makes me want to turn around, run home, and hide under a blanket. Something about just being at school today was inciting fight-or-flight style panic in me. I was angry, frustrated, bitchy as hell, and the whole time, freaking out inside about studying for the test. Well, alternating freaking out with short fits of despair; 'oh good lord how the hell am i supposed to retain this entire page full of information, and make some sort of logical connection to 30 seconds worth of music taken from anywhere in the piece...?' I'm supposed to be reasonably level headed, and logical. I should be able to shut down that kind of bullshit selfdestructive panic, but I think I still spent almost as much time doing some form of constructive studying as I did trying to get myself under control and convincing myself that I could handle it, and I could get through the damn test.

For better or worse, the day I play my jury, and get this year over and done with, there will be relief of epic proportions. I might just pass right the fuck out. Wake up with the janitor cleaning the hall by my locker prodding me in the head with his mop. That seems to be the light at the end of the tunnel I'm reaching for so desperately. The little twinges of happiness that I feel just imagining how euphoric it will be to Finally have nothing hanging over my fucking head. I'll get through it. Somehow.. I'll keep breathing, the sun will keep coming up, and showering its ultraviolet rays of destruction down on us, Bush will continue his campaign to become the true Master of the Universe ("There can be only One, Highlander!"), girls will continue to do fucked up shit, life goes on. I seem to lose sight of that. I should try to keep that happy go lucky shit front and centre so that I don't lose track of the important things in life... like how I'm dropping 2300$ this semester to almost fail all my classes... err, i mean... Ok whatever, /rant off.

Heres some cool news, for anyone with the mental fortitude, or lack thereof to have read through those massive paragraphs of me shitting all over the place and are still reading, god bless your heart. Or maybe you just scrolled past all of it to read the last post i did, and you just happened to catch this paragraph... all the better for you if you did. I finally convinced my roommate that The Fortress is the coolest place in all of Calgary to live, and he relented and said yea lets check it out. This place is going to be so incredible. Its like 10 minutes away from school, as opposed to the full hour and a bit that it takes me to get there currently, it has a Pool, sauna, fitness room, blah de blah, everything from the site looks fantastic. Monthly bills will be cheaper than they are now, since heat and water will be included, it'll be just myself and my roommate/highschool buddy, who's one of my best friends right now, and no more crazy psycho selfcentered bitch with her sleazy stupid boyfriend. Wait i think thats all supposed to be hyphenated since they're like one disgusting organism... whatever. I'll be calling them tomorrow to find out if they even have any apartments available right now, and then we can give our notice and be moving the fuck outta here by the first week of May (oh please oh please oh please).

Ok i'm going to stop now. I can't believe you wasted the last 10 minutes of your life reading that self-absorbed crap. I know I'll never read it again. However, speaking of reading blogs, if you haven't seen this and read it all and loved it truly madly deeply by now, your existence is a hollow shell of what it will soon be. www.jasonmulgrew.com. This man is to blogs what I am to women, and they just don't know it yet... God's gift. See I can say ignorant shit like that because by this point, everyone has been like "oh good lord, Darryl's doing it again," and switched to their favorite porn site. Regardless, he has a hilarious blog. He puts every other blog i've ever read to shame. Especially mine. Even Raynna's. Hers is funny sometimes, but I'm quite sure she'd agree with me. So check it out, if you haven't already, and be sure to read the archives when you have 93 or 94 spare hours, its well worth it. I'm only a couple months in so far, but I am quite sure I'm not exaggerating at all in saying its the best blog on the internet.

Ok so I'm gonna wipe the taste of kissing Jason Mulgrew's ass out of my mouth and go to bed. Love you people. Be sure to comment and tell me how I rock your world. Or how I need to shut the fuck up more often.

Friday, March 10, 2006

I refuse...

...to jump on the angst train this week.

I'm getting my shit together, and i think i'm going to escape this school year intact.

I just need a haircut.

I love you guys, anyone who's reading this, facades and all. Its brutally cliche, but life goes on. I wish i could sound more philosophical and less like a $3.50 self help book.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

A small part of me died...

So the bar last night was sooo much fun, props to Michael for getting everyone out there, and i can only hope everyone had as much fun as i did.

However... have a box of kleenex handy, because i know some of you are going to cry when you hear this...

I lost my ipod.

It must have fallen out of my pocket or my backpack or something, but basically, it disappeared. We walked back from the sandman to the bar looking for it, and nothing, nothing at the bar either, so thats that. So happy happy joy joy to get my ipod fix, i had to go out and get another one, and go even further in debt ;P At least i got an open box, so i got a bit of a deal on it, but still the whole losing it in the first place thing kinda sucks.

Anyway, thats life. I'll survive. Above and beyond that though, the whole event wasa ton-o-fun.

Now, looking forward!

To all you fans of Anime of all sorts out there, here's whats in the works: Something along the lines of the infamous 'office' party, only with slightly less getting-completely-sloshed, and more watching of great anime. On the docket, we have Escaflowne, Inuyasha, Naruto, X, Gundam whatever, Dragonball Z, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Akira, Full Metal Panic, and/or whatever else would be cool to watch. We shall NERD IT UP!!!

Date to be determined, post a comment here if you're interested.